| It's too late to apologize. |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|11:57 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Showbread - Mouth like a magainze. | ] |
Well, so much for fun holidays & birthday; I'm grounded until January 2nd. Sucks much? Yeah, I was supposed to hang out with ALL my favourites last night. I was supposed to hang out with my favourits +FILIPE on my birthday. I was supposed to go to Marissa&Mariah's for New Year's eve. Looks like I'll be in the house all.. weekend.. long. How fucking spectacular.
I dont understand why I get grounded. I dont understand why I get treated like I'm 10 years old half the time. I dont understand how or why they treat me like I'm a child. I mean, I understand why but get real - I'm 16 in 4 days. Thats 2 years away from being an adult. I cant even go to town without being yelled at when I get home. Why do I get treated like a kid when I was NEVER a kid to begin with. Honestly; how can you really be a kid when your father dies on Halloween when you're 5 years old? How can you really be a kid when your mother dies the day before Easter when you're 8 years old? And through out all of that, you're not allowed to cry or ask questions about anything that's going on. Then, your grandmother gets sick when you're 10 years old so you have to cook and clean for the next 5-6 years without any help from anyone. I was 13 years old when I learned how/why my parents died. And I barely remember them. It's taken me over 5 years to have a little bit of hope that perhaps, their death isnt my fault but I cant help but think otherwise. Seriously; when I was a kid, ever? I've been an adult since the moment my father died. I'm only 15, I really shouldn't be hating the world and wishing my life would just end. I feel like a 30 year old trapped in a 15 year old's body & life. I've lived too much for someone that's only been alive for 15 years. I've seen too much before the age of 10. I hate that I had to mature so early in life. I cant even laugh at the stupid things my friends do. And when I do, I fake it. I dont want sympathy or to be told it'll get better. I've realized that it doesnt get better. A family friend told me that everything will get better. She told me when I was 9 years old. To this day, I'm still waiting. It's been so long that I've been able to actually cry. I havent vented to someone in a long time. I hate putting on a smile everyday so no one will ask me what's wrong: everything's wrong and nothing anyone can say or do will ever change that. I know how a mother feels - having to cook and clean without anyone saying thank you, and at the end of the day, you have so much work for yourself to do. I dont know how much longer I can keep staying up 'till 3/330 am doing homework before I explode. I come home and I have to clean, cook, run errands, help my grandma pay bills or do other paperwork and by the time any of that's done, I'm so exhausted, I have to take a nap and when I wake up, I have to do homework. I mean, I stayed home from school on Thursday just to take my grandma to a doctor's appointment. I'm honestly going crazy; I need a break. Atleast one fucking day out of the year. It'll never happen. I wish so hard that it'll just end. I dont wanna seem like I'm going to commit suicide or I'm being extremely emo because I wouldnt kill myself and I'm not emo. I just wish my life would end. It probably will sooner than later. I feel like I'm drowning in a ocean of crazy mixed up emotions and nonsense with no one to pull me up & help me. |
|
|
| OH - - SNAP! IT'S LOCKED. |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|08:33 pm] |
Friend's Only.
Comment to be added.
Add me.
If you TyPE LiiK DiiS or any sort of that form;
don't even think of adding me.
I like comments, so, comment once in a while.
Also update; no need to take up room.
I'll most likely add you back. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
x_freezepoppppp's journal